submission_v3vhmm
UPDATE on "Homeless college student at hunter college"
UPDATE on “Homeless college student at hunter college”
Hi first of all i want to say I am in awe about how much kindness that I saw on my last post
about me being homeless and I am so grateful for the people that reached out to me and offered to help me. I was genuinely in shock with how I saw so many people come together to try to help a stranger on the internet. You guys are all amazing people.
My mom ended up finding a house! The rent is enormous though. My mom goes to work at 10am and comes back home at 4am, sometimes 5am. I have no idea how she is surviving right now but all i know is that she is the most determined human being i have ever seen. even though her determination is inspiring, it is nowhere near healthy.
My dad is still living in hotels because my mom and dad divorced and she will not let him live in the house. She is a muslim woman so she does not feel right having a man who she is not married to anymore be in the house with her. I am worried for him since he is so old (63 rn) and has diabetes. A few days ago he also got something called “shingles” which is like a reactivation of chickenpox and he has a painful blistery rash on his back. Doctor said shingles can arise when the immune system starts to not work efficiently from things like extreme stress, preexisting conditions, depression, lack of sleep, lack of food, all of the things that my dad has been going through ever since we got homeless. He also is working night and day to so that he can rent a house for us to visit him at but i sincerely think he is too old to make that amount of money with his job. but either way he keeps trying even rn as he is sick.
I “moved in” to the new house about 2 weeks ago. I say I “moved in” because I could not really bring most of my stuff. The social services people said they would open the house for ONE DAY and say about two weeks ago we tried to go in the house and bring everythinggggg out in ONE DAY, but as you can imagine, that is nearly impossible. I could not get about half of my stuff. We asked for a second day and after a lot of convincing they said yes. Then finals week came for me and I just had my last final on may 24th. But a few days ago, they said if we dont move everything out of that house soon, they will hire their own people and throw everything in the house in the garbage. I do not understand how this is allowed to happen. all my stuff will go in the garbage. like do these people not understand how much time it takes to first of all, find a house, then set up a lease and sign it, and then find time for all 5 family members (i have college and had finals, my little sister already has too many absences from school to take anymore, both my parents need to work to get by) to set up ONE DAY.
even if i got all my stuff, i dont really have a lot. i havent slept on a bed in 7 years because we coudlnt afford or had the space for it in our cramped up apartment. no furniture or like shelves for holding items like books or other things. everything was just like on the floor in bags or in broken drawers. my desk is also broken. i need money for these things. i always needed money and space for these things. now i have the space but i still dont have the money.
many MANY people asked me to make a gofundme for myself but idk i dont really sit right with that. people that i know on a personal level have given me money and i felt so ashamed taking it, even after they urged me to take it. i do need money rn desperately. i need to do volunteer hours as a premed student and i have no money for transportation to and from manhattan areas all the way from long island. plus if im outside, im probably going to have to buy a meal outside after the volunteer day ends. ugh everything is so expensive.
buying mattress is so much money. a desk is also a lot of money. i spent so much money when i was living at the hotel after i got kicked out. money i had saved up for a summer class but now it is all nearly gone. i need curtains around the house. literally everyone can see everything (even the bathroom) in the house but buying so many curtains is expensive too. i cant use the bathroom with the light is on at night bc everyone can see everything. theres just these like little expenses that i didnt expect to have that are piling up. my mom and older sister are sleeping on air mattresses rn because we had ONE DAY to grab all that we could, but the cats made holes in the mattresses so they deflate after a couple minutes. my older sister has a bed at the old house though so if we get the second day to move, she would be fine. my mom, little sister, and i, all of us are without proper beds. if we get the second day, they both can sleep on the sofa bed when we bring it. thats what they slept on in the previous house. so like if we get he second day it should be fine for my mom and sisters. my little sister rn sleeps on like this mat thing (kinda like a wrestling mat thingie??? idk how to describe it). my mom has the inflatable air bed but it deflates after a few minutes so she ends up having to sleep on the wood floor. i have this like beach chair material thing. i wake up all the time bc its not particularly good for my body. my dad got this beach chair thing (the ones that like flatten out to lay down) for my birthday about two years ago bc he knew he couldnt afford a bed so he got this thing (i was sleeping on actual chairs before this). i was able to bring it to my new house but i dont ever sleep well on this. i constantly wake up from pains throughout the night and this chair thingie itself is getting a little run down now so its worse. my cats also, their food and litter is so expensive. sometimes i “sleep’ like 9 hours but i wake up feeling like i slept 4. i often wonder how much my health would change if i had an actual bed. if i barely sleep well, i cant do things like college work or volunteering. i have passed out twice from exhaustion. both times i barely eat and slept and just passed out. one time i went to the hospital, the other time it was actually right in front of the doctor while i was shadowing him. i had to tell him my whole home situation and he told me that with my lifestyle, i cant do all this shadowing and college at the same time.
sometimes i feel like im just complaining. like these problems arent real. are they? i feel like, i should be grateful about getting a house at least (and i am), but here i am still sulking about this situation. idky i expected everything to be fine after finding a new house, but i dont feel like it is. are these problems/concerns valid, or am i being bratty and annoying by complaining? like im technically not homeless anymore, right? do i still need help or should i suck it up? do i need a mattress if i have a beach chair thing? do i need a study desk or should i just deal with the neck aches of looking down at my laptop? i already have back aches from the beach chair thing so maybe i can deal with neck aches too for the next few years. i need another person’s perspective to tell me what is reasonable to want to have and what is not, because i feel like ive just become totally desensitized to everything after being without basic survival needs like hot water, a working stove for food (i developed acid reflux problems bc of food not cooking correctly on air fryers and had to resort to take-out for everything, which was a lot of money for me to spend too), no heat, fuse going out several times a day sometimes, usually during the coldest days when we needed all of our space heaters on, windows broken where i slept so i felt cold wind all night. and then when i got kicked out i had absolutely nothing. i got a house now. i should be happy right? am i being greedy for wanting a bed and a study desk and curtains? am i being luxurious? i somehow feel like i dont deserve it and idky. like i feel like having a bed is a luxury. is it? maybe because i havent ever had a lot, getting “normal” things makes me feel guilty or undeserving. i dont even have the money for it. if i reached out to hunter college for emergency funding for a bed and desk, would they consider it a valid necessity? i spent so much money on food while i lived at the hotels when i got kicked out, many that will never be compensated for. i missed out on my chances for a summer class. i get summer pell but idky last time that i took a summer class, they made me pay from my pocket first (in order to prevent holds on my registration for the fall) and laterrr they gave me my pell as a financial refund check. but i dont have the money rn for paying upfront. i dont have money for transportation to get to hunter either if i were to take the class. i was already poor before i got kicked out, but getting kicked out made me so much more poorer.
i really just need someone to put things in perspective. people were willing to lend me money and make a gofundme but i always told them that i dont think i really deserve that money. there are people out there that are actually starving to death. why would i deserve this money? im muslim. i always have turned to Allah for everything. it feels weird when someone else wants to help me. can someone please tell me if wanting these little things is a valid reason to need money? or am i being bratty and greedy? i seriously cannot tell. people keep trying to help me but i keep saying no because i dont feel like i deserve it. i see my parents are sacrificing so much of their lives for money and idk what to do. im also scared we might lose the house bc my mom is only human, and although she is trying very hard to make money, i know she will crack one day from all the pressure and stress. i can already see how stressed out she is getting and i have never seen her being this stressed out. my older sister said she will help pay for the house, but as ive said in the previous post, i doubt she will bc she has some problems of her own that she refuses to deal with. im going through college and i already feel tired from that. i think my body has gotten used to the constant starvation and lack of sleep and i cant really make it “remember” what its like to live under normal circumstances, so i still end up feeling fatigued even now with the stress of getting a house gone. it might just mean my reason to want a bed is valid, but even then, i cant afford one. i need a study desk too before my neck gives out along with my back. and if i need a study desk, i need a chair. everything is just so much money. ugh. i really just need other perspectives rn to tell me if these are unreasonable things to want, and if im even worthy of living “normally.” i know this sounds ridiculous, but im actually questioning all of this.
also, im not sure what is really happening with my mental health right now. i went to hunter counseling services twice as others suggested in my last post but i went while i was still in shock and homeless. i didnt have much to talk about. i told them that i know my body and i know that im shock rn so im mostly just numb, but im scared about what i would do to myself once the reality sets in.
i think it is setting in now. my semester is over and basically now i have the time to get depressed. plus, since im in my new house now, i also have the space to be depressed. i feel like i dont like anything anymore. watching movies, games, seeing people, my heart is just not in it. its so confusing because i love all of those activities, but its almost like its too much work to do any of them now. idk if im just tired from the semester or what. ive just been crying idky. i feel so isolated but at the same time i dont wanna see people. its too much work. in the past, when i have felt like this, i would take nyquil before bed, even if i wasnt sick, just so i could sleep all day. i really feel like doing that rn. but i wont do it because ive promised people that i would not abuse medication like that again. i have not done that in about a year now. i dont feel like getting a therapist because that feels like too much work too. i feel like my relationships are slowly falling apart bc im just not putting the effort in so ofc they would fall apart. i dont even really care anymore tbh, but i know im saying that bc im depressed rn. i am blessed with so many good people in my life, but its like im too lazy to enjoy it??? maybe i need to get out of my room idk. i havent left my room since finals week except to get groceries. i went to a gun laws protest. but i still didnt feel like myself. and honestly that day i spent too much money on stuff liek transportation mostly and a meal and i dont think i can afford to spend $25 on transportation and $10 meal again. i dont have money to do anything “fun” outside. its just making everything worse. bc idk where i can go without paying for something. living in long island, you need transportation for everything. and i dont have money to spend on it anymore. i feel like if i told hunter emergency fund about this, and the bed, and the desk, and the curtains, they would not consider it an emergency. im trying to get a job but im not completely moved in yet. my mom wants me to move all my stuff in first (hopefully before sanitation workers throw all of our stuff in the garbage) before i get busy with a job. ugh my mom is like on the brink of a panic attack i can feel it coming and i cant do anything. she is not able to handle all the bills and she is being so hard on herself.
i feel like even the tone of my last post is different than this one. before i was concerned about being homeless but i was on my feet, ready to find ways to help myself and my family. now im just calm, but in a bad way. i feel like i came back defeated from a battle. i feel like ive lost a piece of myself somewhere. i feel lonely, even though i have access to so many wonderful people. i dont feel like myself. its like living is “boring” now or not worth it anymore.
the only thing that i feel kinda passionate about these days are humanitarian issues. i have always been very passionate about helping people who are suffering. that is probably why i went to the gun laws protest even though i was depressed. i think its because even when im numb or depressed, hearing about innocent people suffering sparks emotions that i wasnt having before. plus i sympathize with the issues i hear about. when the bronx fire happened, i was distraught because i myself was living with about 5 space heaters that were always on because the landlord did not give heat. ive seen the sparks from these heaters. i have seen them malfunction. i have felt the cold after they unfortunately stop working randomly at 4am on a wintery day on days ive had to have a good night’s rest for my exam in the morning. i donated whatever i could (not much) to bronx fire gofundmes because i believe if i give to people in need, ill get good things in return. and i just cant stand around without helping people that are going through the same as me or worse than me. being a woman in america i sympathize with. being a poc in america i sympathize with. being a muslim in america i sympathize with. being on the poorer side i sympathize with. being homeless i sympathize with. having lifelong trauma i sympathize with. all these issues make me angry and make me want to do something. anything. but even if i gain the passion to do something, if im depressed, i feel too tired to do anything. sometimes i have pushed myself. idk. i used to be so proactive and take initiative when it came to these things. i was confident and ambitious and i didnt follow the crowd or trend if i knew what was more important. now i feel like im being tossed around by the wind, even though i do still care about these issues. before, i felt like my gut sense always pushed me to do the right thing, like being good was so natural for me. right now, its not that im doing bad things, its just that im not doing enough good things. and i think in many ways, i define my self worth on how many good things i do for others. im very much a people pleaser if you could not already tell.
sorry this is so long! i did not intend for it to be this long. i made this post over the course of a few days so i ended up putting a lot of feelings and events into this. its okay if you didnt read the whole thing! lol it was very therapeutic for me personally and im thankful even if you read a little bit.
TL;DR i got homeless about a little more than a month ago because sanitation workers considered my house unsafe because of space heaters, but i found a house now. im finding it hard to afford stuff in the house because i didnt have “normal” things in my old house since i was too poor to afford anything. i dont even know if i deserve to live a “normal” life. for some reason, i feel like i dont. idk why i feel like i dont deserve normalcy. i also dont know what is going on with my mental health rn. i dont feel like doing anything i found “fun.” getting help feels like too much work. I keep wanting to go deeper and deeper into isolation.
Cited In
- Analysis/Chapter 1/Critical Infrastructure Evidence Fixed 20251009 175629 - Evidence 6: `
- Analysis/Chapter 1/Section 133 Evidence Summary 20251009 - Top Evidence (Beyond existing comment_fhdvsyc)